ARMY - Be a breastSince the cold war ended, the British Empire has become little more than a man with a union jack tattoo and a football shirt covered in sick.
But should it?
Or, on the other hand, is it really not like this at all, and America has got it wrong like it is about everything else?

Troop Training
British troops are especially trained to be impervious to bullets, planks of wood and rude names. Some soldiers are called as many as two different rude names every day as a matter of course. Names such as 'Poo-Bum', 'Blarty Mard-Arse' and 'Widge-Face' are not uncommon.
General Officer
Special Equipment
Unlike some other armies we could mention, none of our equipment has a toilet in them, so our men can't go until they have dealt with the enemy. Even our latrines are just an empty porta-cabin with a sign on the far wall saying "Oh no you don't - Deal with some enemy first"

A Trained Killing Machine
Why we need a big army in a poxy little country like Britain
In real terms, Britain is 18% larger than every other country in the world. These figures speak for themselves:

Home orifice figures

What YOU can do
So what can insignificant proles like yourselves do to help our glorious army? Well, if you aren't British then not much, so sod off. If you are a fag, well you can sod off. Oh, and you have to hate commies and Saddam as well. The rest of you can sod off, too. And you have to like killing things. And wearing green.

If you fit into what we think you should be, then join today. If not, then just carry on sitting around whining about how much it costs to keep an army in pies.

If it wasn't for the army, you would all be speaking french by now.

Could you fondle the Army Melon?

Our Army - True Grit or truly shit?

Military morale has been reported as being lower than a pair of tart's knickers - lower even than that. In fact, it's said to be almost as low as Frank Sinatra's rotting corpse.

And, like old 'n' moldy blue eyes himself would say, the army doesn't do it their way any more. Like snut they don't!!!!!

Eight out of ten soldiers don't like their work any more - Figures hard to ignore. But luckily our military power base manages it, and people like majors still wear shiny badges and point at things a lot, regardless of their own personal opinions.

Michael Jackson, a career army stockbroker, even said that "...if the army isn't great, then I'm a child molester. Which I'm not."

So what can be done?

(That is, if anything needed doing, which it doesn't).

Well, first let's look at what the army can do:-

Have babies. With women being allowed to become soldiers, we can increase army personnel from within, without the need of getting people out of jails and the like to make up the numbers.

Kill people with weapons. There are many different kinds of weapons available, weapons like:

  • The Euro-Fighter Aircraft
  • The Euro-Anti-Naughtiness Missile
  • The Euro-Tweetie-Pie Early Warning System

These, in combination, all prove extremely effective in meeting the challenges of enemy aircraft, enemy ships and puddy tats.

But no matter what electrical diddly-doodlies you may have, what the armed forces need are people - Heterosexual men and women to fly the planes, get shot by the guns and sing rousing songs about bully-ramming (or maybe even a ditty about working on the railroads now we have started letting the coloureds in).

And what exactly can be done to make things better?

Since it seems unlikely that every bonkers foreigner is going to start suddenly holding hands and sing "I'd like to buy the world a coke" in the forseeable future, we can pretty much give up on the idea that our great nation can dismantle its arsenals and use our armies to look after the drooly and infirm instead.

Just about the only thing which will make things better, is for all of the lefty fags to shut up their verbal fartings, then we can all just go to bed and maybe it will be alright again in the morning when we wake up.

Next : Is it alright for puppies to form their own pet armies and beat up on cats by filling them with Bonios up the wrong end?

Betcha can't wait!

There has been an earthquake.

Do you:-

Help dig out survivors?

Do a funny dance?

Wear some sun glasses

Even in the 90's, even people even stupid enough to live where earthquakes happen, happen to respect a decent pair of shades, even if they are a bit wonky on the mush and are uneven, even.


© Lunchtime