Ahhhh! OR ARSE?

Special Report by Worzel Honeyhansengummidge

If you take an ugly person like a granny, and ask her what makes her life worthwhile, she may just say to you that her little cat Tibbles is more comforting than her Mercedes. But which is more dangerous? People who have been smashed in the face by a cat thrown from a speeding car have had Gulf War syndrome given to them, but there have been no similar reports given from people hit by a car thrown at them from a speeding cat. And given the over-population problems befalling many areas of the world, should people be keeping pets at all as a mere entertainment-thing, or should they be put to better use by making them do jobs we hate, like we do with bin men or steel workers?

That is the question we ask you now. Answer now or be kittened.


When Mr. Ronald Spasm-Tickylitt bought a Scandinavian Grazing Butefish for his daughter, little did he know what problems would arise. Although they start off living in small ponds in Scandinavia, it isn't long before the Butefish grows arms and then have a primal urge to start burying themselves underground in order to feed on us human people, all strangely.

Unfortunately, Mr. Spasm-Tickylitt didn't know this, and so the bint was slaughtered and he blamed the Butefish. But should it and why be? Shouldn't perhaps he have blamed the Taliban or Saddam like they get blamed for everything else?

Or the story of Casey Crotchflyer aged four and a quarter, whose dog was surgically altered to wash clothes efficiently and cheaply. Her Dad Boris returned home from work one day and found little Casey's arm flopping out of a gaping maw - it was spun off while playing during a delicates cycle. Needless to say they were really stunned.

Luckily for us, all of these people who have suffered some losses as a result of pet slavery can have a bloody good laugh about it now. But the controversy remains - should animals be kept as pets?

Bravely donning my devils advocate head, this reporter did some nice investigating, like. I like a nice bit of investigating, I do. And what was our conclusion? Read for yourself and be as surprised as a pig at a bacon reunion party.


The Arguments For:

This is the kind of argument posed by people who think pets are great, God rot 'em all.

Old women are basically lonely. They sit around all day on their own smelling of wee. If the only way they can get their hots is by rubbing a dog against them, then that's fine with us because we're just communists who like people to keep pets. Damn the ozone layer, damn the curry shortage brought on by too much dog food, damn our boys in the gulf who go mad because there aren't enough puppies to test the chemical weapons on! Damn the Americans who died on that fateful September day because they don't use horse-legs in building construction any more - "much better to let them clippity-clop around the fields" they say!! Damn the bored upper classes who can't go around twatting foxes for fun any more without some hippy squirting washing-up liquid up his crevice. We don't care, because granny needs a servicing occasionally and we don't care how many moggies and pooches have to end up smelling of geriatric snatch. Well Yah boo sucks to you, oysterhumper!


The Arguments Against:

Whether it's fist-caving a dog's face for looks, putting handles on budgies to make them easier to move, teaching cats to use mountaineering equipment to catch goldfish, feeding one pet to another to see how many you can get into a bull mastiff; the list of abuses goes mercilessly on.

One man even put clock hands on his hamster after deciding how useless it was. This ended in tragedy when the poor creature went on heat, causing it to take off and smash its skull in on one of those pipes you get in ceilings. This is such a heinous crime we couldn't even be bothered to prove it.

There are loads more things you can do to pets, too. In the interests of news we tried a few of them and although some of it was funny, it took us weeks to clean up the kitchen afterwards. Here's just one of the obscenities we did:

This moggie is great, albeit in a tragic pointless wrong sort of way. It takes input through its eyes, and processes it using its mighty brain using a function known as the 'cat scan'. Output is generated via the standard RS232 interface in the face, and through a suppositrode up its noble shaft (not pictured because it would be sick). It also goes miaow in morse code, can receive emails and can also play MP3 files out of it's arse.

Ainchajustdisgusted? I know we were In fact, the only reason we would ever do it again would be for the sake of news. News and the fact that 'All Revved-up With No Place to Go' by Meatloaf is sounds great when coming out of a cat's botty. Having a room full of masticated creature is the price we are prepared to pay for the musical quest some of us men in our thirties find ourselves going on sometimes.


In conclusion, like:

Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad. No pets no more naughty naughty pet loving pervs. Reason must prevail, and we should know. Or maybe Yes.

May the love of Jesu be with you, but don't go nailing goldfish to the Volvo.

Next: Pensioners - a burden on our crumbling society, or a valuable source of protein?

Betcha can't wait.


© Lunchtime