Heroin - Is it really the scourge of a nation which is becoming more drugged-up than your Granny's bedtime? How exactly do we separate the fact from the fiction, the propaganda from the truth, the Velvet Underground song from some bloody bad earnoise?

Well, now with our help you will be able to, as we present this special report on the subject that is really getting under some people's skins-

Scary Stories from the Land of Shit.

by Blippy Honeyhansenha


First, fill your brains with some facts or else:-

  • Heroin is a synthetic derivative of Morphine, and is quite similar in many of it's effects.
  • Heroin is an analgesic and was originally marketed as a non-habit forming cure for athlete's foot.
  • Heroin was discovered in 1963 by Herb Alpert, who found a batch in the bottom of his trumpet case. He was 23.
  • Rin Tin Tin used to habitually inject heroin. It was the only way anyone could get him to jump through windows, enter flaming buildings and piss on cue.
  • The phrase "Chasing the Dragon" was derived from the legend that a large green dragon one stole Saint George's mother's supply of Heroin. He chased it into a cave and kept hitting it with a big stick until it gave it back to him.
  • As a joke, one disgruntled editor of "Sesame Street" revoiced the ending of the show, telling the nation that this weeks programme "was brought to you by the letter 't' and a kilo of Heroin".
  • In Wisconsin, Texas, it was illegal not take Heroin four times a day (8 times on Sundays) until 1968, when the mayor decided he wanted it all for himself.
  • The diaries of Winston Churchill reveal that he spent many long evenings taking heroin in rectal suppositories.
  • The phrase "The Horse" was derived from the fact that 23% of people who have taken heroin have also stuck their hands up a horse to retrieve what they think is their fix. But like the bad children's game, Pooh Sticks.
  • John F. Kennedy was quoted in 1963 as saying "You can't beat a bit of skag on a Sunday to help your breakfast go down". He was 23.
  • In 1954 a nationwide advertising campaign told Britain's housewife shoppers to "Buy More 'H' - It's Tasty and Good For You."
  • Up until 1969, school children used to get free heroin from school as part of a healthy diet. This stopped when the then Education Minister Margaret Thatcher said they aren't having any more "As it will, in real terms, rot their teeth". She was then daubed with the epithet "Thatcher the Smack Snatcher".
  • According to the bible, John the Baptist was a regular user of Morphine derivatives. Theologists reckon that when he told Jesus to "Go Into The Desert" he actually meant "Go Into the Chemist and Get Me Some Heroin". He was 23.
  • In 1964, Burger chain McDonalds experimented with a McHeroin burger, but it was taken off sale because people couldn't afford it.

Now you've had the facts, here's the truth:-

  • Heroin is a Class A Drug, children - and that doesn't mean it's a really cool toke, skaterboy. It means that it comes out of Saddam's arse.
  • People who take heroin find it to be a disturbing stepping stone into worse things such as "Shooting People" or "The Rap Music".
  • Is it really any surprise that Lou Reed wears a dress?

Next - The Rap Music : Urban Artform or a crime against Gary Numanity? Becha can't wait for that one, boy!

(If you have found this article enjoyable and stimulating and would like to try some heroin, please contact us, and we will sell you some).


© Lunchtime