The Traveller's Guide to Zanzibar
with Lord Baden Powell
Area:1020 Square Miles
Population:299,111 + VAT (there were 20 in there the last time we looked)
Main Town:Zanzibar
Economy:Cloves, Coconuts, Copra & Coir (Bits of coconuts), Freddie Mercury, Not Very Much Else.

What ho, my white blond-haired Christian children. I am here, on this small island of Zanzibar, looking out at it's companion Pemba and contemplating my enforced exile following the fall of the


Empire and my "death" some years ago. Good old Lord "Lulu" Lucan, that's all I can say. Those chappies at Lunchtime have asked me to do them a bit of an article on my arse. Oh, I'm sorry, an article on Zanzibar, whilst on my arse. Sorry again. That should be An Article on Zanzibar, Whilst on The Beach. Here is a bit of history about this lovely island...

Zanzibar was a very early trading centre for foreign people. In 1565 it was seized by some different foreign people (Portuguese if you must know (who are almost white (but not quite))). However, it was sometime later retaken by the original foreign people. In 1890 it became a


protectorate. Yes, they came under the benevolent wing of the great


Empire, ruled by her most longevetous and trendy majesty, QUEEN (Cor Blimey, Guv, God Bless 'Er Soul) VICTORIA The FIRST. However, in 1963, the ungrateful foreign people held an election which left the bladdy commies in power. Gone were those heady days of sucking opium through a straw, institutionalised brutality, homosexuality and cricket. OUT went "The Holy Bible" by King James, the great


Monarch, and IN came "The Joy of Communism" by Lenin and Macarthy. OUT with the whiter than white government and IN with the pinker than red Communist rabble.The Sultan who ruled on behalf of the


government was exiled and was forced to flee to Brighton (a


colony in Sussex), and so nowadays it is full of bally foreigners again with their smelly food and thick lips.

The main thing to recommend this island is the splendid food. Here is an example menu.


Coconut Soup (with Cloves)
Coconuts with a Mornay Sauce
Boiled Cloves with Cloves

Main Course:

Coir, mashed Coconut and Cloves
Cloves and Chips (of coconuts)
Roast Coconuts in Copra Sauce


Coconut ice cream
Clove ice cream
Coconut and Clove ice cream
Coconuts, cloves and ice cream.
(any of the above flavours)


Coconut Milk
Coconut Wine,
Coconut Lager,
Donkey Piss

So there we have it - Zanzibar in five minutes. More than it deserves if you ask me.

Now get that woggle out of your sphincter, and have a happy goose-stepping time, my beloved and wholesome spawn of the Master Race.

© Lunchtime