Mr.Schmaltz: Hello, children. I'm Mr. Schmaltz.
Mr.Twee: And I'm Mr. Twee. Hello.
Mr.S: And we are here to share a few words with you about some of the nice things in life, aren't we?
Mr.T: We certainly are. And do you know what we are going to be talking about today?
Mr.S: I'm sure they don't know, Mr. Twee. Why don't we tell them?
Mr.T: Alright then, Mr. Schmaltz. The nice thing in life we are going to talk about today is Puppy Dogs.
Mr.S: Yes, those cute, furry bundles of fun which are always great to play with. We had some puppies just the other day, didn't we, Mr. Twee?
Mr.T: We most certainly did, Mr. Schmaltz. Our big soppy pooch Fragrant Candy had a litter.
Mr.S: She certainly did. One of the dogs had a big brown patch over his left eye. That's the puppy we called Patch.
Mr.T: Another of the puppy dogs had spots all over his body. That's the one we called Spot.
Mr.S: And we mustn't forget little drippy, who was so small we put him in a sack and dropped him in the river Trent.
Mr.T: That reminds me of a story about a dog which I heard about once. Shall I tell it?
Mr.S: Oh, go on then.
Mr.T: Alright, I will. Well, there once was a collie called Bonny. One day her masters went on holiday to Canada and accidentally left Bonnie behind on their return trip, over two thousand miles away from home!
Mr.S: Oh, what a calamity! Whatever will become of Bonny?
Mr.T: Well, Bonny decided to make the long trek back. On the way she was chased by bears, had to rescue children from disused mine shafts, foil alien invaders who wanted to take over the world and lots more exciting adventures besides. But do you know?
Mr.S: No, tell us!
Mr.T: I will. She finally made it home to her master's house.
Mr.S: And I'll bet everyone there was really pleased to see her, weren't they, Mr. Twee?
Mr.T: Well unfortunately, Bonnie had inadvertently contracted rabies from a rowdy racoon in Canada so they had to have Bonnie shot.
Mr.S: What calibre gun did they use, Mr. Twee?
Mr. T: Well, I don't know. 9mm I suppose, that's what the Vietnam vets used to use in the sixties.
Mr.S: Of course, the biggest dog lovers of all are the people of the Philippines.
Mr.T: Yes, they certainly are. They rarely eat anything else.
Mr.T: Ahhhhhh! Yum yum!
Mr.S: Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for today, Children. May we say before we go that we really hope you'll be back soon.
Mr.T: And why? Because we like you.
Mr.S: Yes, we really like children a great deal, don't we Mr. Twee?
Mr.T: We certainly do, Mr. Schmaltz. And do you know why we like children so much?
Mr.S: No, tell me!
Mr.T: I will. It's because we believe that children are our future. In fact, we think of all of the children of the world as Our Children. Every last one.
Mr.S: Yes, we do. In fact since you are all our children we think it is alright for us to love you and hold you and do just about anything else we please to you. Even if it's a little strange.
Mr.T: We certainly do. And here's our song we have written just to prove it.
Mr.S: Take it away, Mr. Twee
Mr.T: I certainly will. Grab my underpants would you Mr. Schmaltz? They help me hit the high notes.
|When you're nice
|We'll love you
|When you're dirty
|We'll scrub you
|When you're all alone
|We'll be there for you.
|So dry those tears
|Shed those fears
|Till they're gone
|And we promise
|Not to kill you if you do.
Mr.S: Goodnight, kiddies. Remember, if our puppy dogs could talk they would say what we all feel - We wuff you.