Being a Civil Engineer, I am often involved in some very major construction projects, for example at the moment I am designing a bypass around our home town of "Doggieville". The problem here is that the high street is a major hamster through-route.

Before any construction can begin I have found that the site must be cleared. Previously I have experimented with many different explosives giving very satisfactory results, usually with a Cemtex/Napalm combination. However, recently even this has proved to be inadequate for the task, so I decided to use a thermonuclear device. The advantages are manifold, no mess, no rubble and no more sitting tenants, you can also make celebrities pay for the privilege of getting a career-enhancing cancer from your explosion.

Obtaining an atom bomb proved to be harder than I expected, as both America and the former USSR refused to let me buy one or even loan one. I explained to them that since they could destroy the planet several times over one less bomb would make no difference but they still refused (although that nice Mr. Yeltsin gave me a potato). I had more luck with Mr. Hussain, he gave me a hundred feet of pipe saying that it was a gun, I don't know what I will do with it. He asked if he could have the bombs after I had finished with them, I said that I would think about it.

There was nothing left for me to do but make my own. It took me a whole weekend, but I finally managed to manufacture a working atomic bomb out of common household items. This is how I did it:

Fig1: How to make a bomb1) The case. I used a wheelie bin for this, but I imagine that any receptacle of household waste would do just as well. To prepare the case I painted it red, because bombs are always red. I also got a chap from the RAF to chalk a witty but insulting slogan about the bomb's target. I have yet to evaluate the effects of this but the Americans do it, so it must work, although it seems to affect their aim somewhat.

2) The inside bits. Into the case I put lots and lots of wires and tubes, along with bit of an old TV to make it look technical.

3) The atoms. In other bombs enriched uranium is used. I met with the same difficulties in obtaining it as with the bombs (I now have two potatoes) so I had to shop around at my local supermarket. The assistant was very helpful and he pointed out that, since they did not want uranium to fall into the wrong hands, they had disguised it as tins of baked beans. I assured him that I had the right hands so he let me buy a trolley full of uranium tins. I then emptied the tins of uranium into the bin/bomb case, if you are a bit hungry by this stage you can eat some of the uranium because it tastes like baked beans too. I put 10p in with the uranium to enrich it, for better results use more money.

4) The detonator. A three inch length of blue paper is used to set the bomb off. Attach it to the bin and light it with a match then stand WELL back (somewhere like Spain is nice, or Novaya Zemlya). The colour of the touchpaper is very important, red and yellow paper don't work quite as well and green just doesn't coordinate with the red bomb.

So there you have it, a fully functional atomic bomb in four easy steps. Remember that detonating such a device may annoy the neighbours so wait until they are out and keep all animals indoors (except for cats, let 'em fry I say).



© Lunchtime