Casebook Two

Daytime Television is a problem for Cheesecake-Fan:

Hello there Doctor. I have a problem. I am addicted to crappy daytime television and need help in fighting this loosing battle. I am at constant war with the soap operas on TV, especially The Bold and the Beautiful. In fact, when are you going to take a role in one of the tripey shows that fill the schedules in this country. What about starting your own soap opera. It`ll be much better than EastEnders. See what I mean. - I`m addicted to daytime TV and soaps. Please Help me!

Doggie Suggests:

Ullo Mister Cheesecake. Well, I've seen this problem many times before. And then repeated later at five o clock. I should try reading some improving literature. I can flog you a cheap copy of "Jane Rossington's Memories of Crossroads" if you like. Failing that, try watching Triangle. That should cure you.

Lord Nicholas Parsons wrote:

Dear Doctor Doggie,

I may call you that can't I darling, you see when I was in Norwich....Oh No, I'm straying from the point...You can have me for 2 Ooooh... Well, I want to know why all religious TV presenters look so ugly? This really is worrying me. Next month I'm hoping to introduce repeats of ITV's 'Highway' series and can you give me any tips?

Best Wishes, Mr. Nicholas Parsons.

Doggie Replies:

Well, this is question in two parts. Why are religious TV presenters so ugly? Well, if you started showing beautiful people worshipping God, people would get impure thoughts all over the place and end up in Kingston Upon Hell. And anyway, Gaylord Gorilla says that only ugly people like god (but then again he is a gorilla and worships mookie the banana).

Dr. Doggie's Tip for Presenting Highway (starring Harry Seagoon):

Don't tell him how ugly he is.

Our next case, Weirdbeard. has a strange mutation:

Dear Dr Doggie,

I have a substantial nuclear arsenal. It happened after my recent visit to the Crown of India, Market Square, Stone. Now there is a mushroom cloud in my bathroom, and I have to wear tight underpants to stop fall-out.

Please help!

Doggie says:

Ooh, ooh, I have seen this problem many times before. Maybe you should get in touch with my evil twin who is trying to take over the world. Or the president of Novaya Zemlya. Or Saddam.

As for the fall-out problem, why not install a drain in your trousers - drainpipe trousers (ho ho ho! I made a joke about the trousers).

Jim has some Bad Habits:

Like to bite my nails.

Doggie Says:

That's a very kind offer. Make sure you paint them with Bovril first.

Finally in this Case Book, Bad9er has circus trouble:

Dear Mr Dodgie,

I have recently inherited a small circus situated on the outskirts of wherever I wanna put it Mr Council Peep. I am having trouble getting it into the boot of my Fiance's ickle red Micra. All the large elephants have been eaten by bats, leaving just 3 hammers and 1 nail. Can you help me to solve such a co-numb-drum?

Thanks, From The Bad nine er.


I've seen this problem many times before. And may I just say that I have found it perfectly possible to fit any circus animal into, say, a glove box. But I can't promise they won't get broken. Buy a roof rack. Or a jumbo jet (ho ho ho ho ho I did a gag about the elephant!!). Oh, they were eaten by bats weren't they? Do bats do tricks? "Bad9er and his bouncin9 bats". Sounds good to me. But then again I'm a civil engineer, not Billy bloody Smart.


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