Casebook Three

My personal hygene is a problem for Frankie:

Please have a bath.



Oooo! I'll have you know that some people appreciate my natural musk. Anyway, Mr MacGoohan regularly (almost yearly) throws me into the washing machine with a sock over my head to protect my cute, ikkle face.

So there.

Lulu has some bad habits:

Oh, help me Doggie,

Ever since Take That split up 3 years ago, Jason Orange, the one that no one really liked, has been living in a cardboard box at the end of my bed. At night, I take him out and play with him and make him do things that I'm sure you, being a dog, would relate to. However, I have become obsessed, and now spend the whole time in my room with Jason.

I think I am ready to move in with Jason, in the little box, but my mum says I am too young. I feel I could really make things work with him, and I have even learned how to embrioder, so I can make some beautiful curtains for our box. My mum says she'll play Status Quo records constantly if I move in with him, though.

Can you suggest a clean and quick, but fairly painful way of 'getting rid' of her so me and Jason can live together in harmony?

Dr. Doggie says:

Well, I have given this much thought. These are all of the things you need:

1. A length of rope

2. A Robbie Williams enormous head-insertion tool

3. Robbie Williams

4. Bath towels (big enough to mop up, say, eight pints of fluid)

5. Ear plugs

6. Angle Grinder

7. Black Refuse Bags

8. Postage Stamps to the value of around 70

9. An understanding relative in New Zealand

Right, I think that should just about do it. Good luck. Let me know how you get on.

Mr. Jimmy Saville is in a "Fix" (Ho, ho I made a joke about the Saville)

Dear Dr Doggie,

Please help me. My postal sack is just so light since the BBC axed "Jim'll Fix It". Please write back to me with a fix it. Perhaps when I finally go, you could take over my 'Fix It' position. Here's a fix it you could do for me. I really want to star in pantomime. Please fix it for me to be a fairy this christmas.

Love, Sir James

"Rattle, rattle, jewelry, jewelry"

Doggie replies:

I have seen this problem many times before. Your Russian counterpart, Jimski Savoskovich had his show scrapped. It was called "Jimski will Fix Them", in which kids would inform Jimski of things their parents got up to, and he would then arrange for them to take a long trip to the salt mines of Siberia, courtesy of the komitet gosudarstvennoi bezopasnozti or whatever it is called.

As for my taking over your BBC show, I tendered the idea to Alan Botney of the BBC (under the clever guise of being the TV show 'Doggie'll Do It'. Botney said that it would cost too much in this day and age, (what with the BBC only getting 2 billion quid from the license fee which they have to use to run as many as two terrestrial channels), but maybe he would consider a show called "Doggie'll Tell you to Do it Yourself".

Dave De Wit's Embarrasing Medical Problem:

Dr Doggie,

Oh GOD, where do I begin?

It is not enough that the almighty has seen fit to cursing me with two mountanous chest humps (giving me a firm but embaressing clevege). Perhaps it is presence of a spider plant where my genitals should be. And I even forgave my parents for daring not only to cross the species barrier but the genetic one.

Perhaps its the fact that my head tends to resemble a half chewed nectarine from the neolithic era. Or that my face looks like a monkeys nut sack.

Perhaps its my BO that has a half life the same as uranium or my breath that can melt small children.

Maybe its just my personality?

Dr. Doggie Says:

Well, it all sounds perfectly normal to me. There are children in Africa who PRAY to have a face that looks like a monkey's nut sack. (That's the only way they can get other children to talk to them, and maybe lick them on a good day).

Wrapping up this Book, Lulu has another problem. This time it's personal hygene:

I work in a school and I would like to know if there are any appropriate ways to talk to early teens about body odor and daily bathing.



Well, I have seen this problem many many times before. I always found that there are two different approaches (depending how smelly the people are). The first is to say something like "Have you ever considered daily bathing, you smelly devil?" The second is a little less subtle: "Have a bath every day, you can take the stinks away and YOU REALLY NEED IT, POOBOY". The capitals are important. If you aren't very good at speaking in capital letters you can always say "(In capital letters)" afterwards. The brackets are really important, too. If you can't speak in brackets just say "(In brackets)" afterwards. These brackets are really important, too, so just keep repeating the last bit until you get fed up, finishing off with "You smelly Devil" just in case. You can also sniff at them if you feel that you need to undermine their confidence more.

Right. NEXT!


© Lunchtime