Casebook Four

Let's kick of this casebook with a problem about Relationships. Mark the Red says:

I can't seem to get a girl 'cos I spend too much time on my 'puters.


I have seen this problem far too many many times before. It reminds me of this joke that Russ Abbot used to tell when he was doing impressions of Tommy Cooper. "Doctor, it hurts when I go like this" at which point he would go like this, and then he would say "and then the doctor says 'don't do it then' just like that" but I think something gets lost in the translation. So now, whenever someone writes to me and says "I can't seem to get a girl 'cos I spend too much time on my 'puters" then I usually say what I just said then, and stick the words "Don't do it then" on the end. But your problem is different, and Gaylord Gorilla tells me that you are worthy of a less glib response.

Try chasing girls more.

Our next patient has understandably chosen to remain anonymous:

Our next patient has understandably chosen to remain anonymous:

Doggie Replies:

Oooh! I also feel like an arsehole sometimes, because I am just a stuffed toy so I don't have one. As a dog, this is a serious handicap as I soon get filled up with smelly used food. Needless to say I got myself a ten-foot inflatable Peter Mandelson, and since then all of my arsehole problems have been solved.

The Unofficial North Staffs Roy Hudd Appreciation Society has a very silly name indeed. As if that wasn't enough he/she/it/they have this to say:

I seem to have the M25 stuck up my anal tract. Can you recommend a lubricant to ease the pressure. The rush hour is murder.

Doggie replies:

Ullo. I have seen this problem many times before. Try a bypass.

Arseangel said:

Feet stuck to floor what's this? christ.

Doggie says:

I heard somewhere that Christ would be coming back around millenium-time. Sorry he got trodden on so soon.

To finish as we started, Marky has a problem with relationships:

I am completely infactuated with a girl who is going out with a much older bloke. She is obviously not happy in this relationship but I think she is scared to end it in case she ends up alone. To make things more complicated, after confessing I liked her, one of my friends, who recently fell out with me because I went off with his ex whom he still cared for, has now also confessd to liking her and she flirts with us both although I dont think she realises how much she is messing with us!! Should I just talk to her and advise her to finsih her relationship?? And how do I know how she feels about me and the other lad?? Should I try to forget it and get over it because I dont know if I can??


Doggie gave this problem a lot of thought and replied:

That was a very very big problem that was. I got lost around the word "Infactuated". Is that when you have carnal thoughts about an encyclopaedia? That would make you an encyclopaediaphile, doesn't it? Is that legal? I'll get John Stalker on you, mate. See if I don't.


© Lunchtime