Casebook Five

Bubba has problem with personal hygiene:

How do you encourage a fellow female employee to use soap and deodorant before coming to work?

Doggie Replies:

Why not try getting her name wrong in an amusing but hinty sort of way. If her name is Shelly Long, go up to her one day and say "Would you like a coffee, Smelly Pong?" or if she is called Judy Dench, try calling her "Pooey Stench". It's good clean fun.

Donnie has a touch of sibling rivalry:

I have an older brother I'll call him Jack. He is very brainy. Anyway, no matter what I do he always does better so I tried really hard in school this term. I did really well I even got 100% in one of my tests but my parents said nothing, well they said "they were very good...especially yours Jack". I beat him in every subject, all I want is to be recognised. But I don't think that will ever happen.

Can you help me.

Doggie advises:

I have seen this problem many many times before, especially when I was doing my PhD. Whenever me and my mate Albert handed in work they would often say "Good theory, Albert. Very tasty ice cream, Dogg-whoever-you-are." You know what I did? I bought a massive sticky badge with "Doggie" written on it. Now I get recognised everywhere.

Alternatively, you could always stab your stupid parents through their heads with a screwdriver, take off all your clothes, cover yourself with jam and yell "who's clever now?!?!?!?" to the goldfish in Urdu.

Karl is having some relationship problems:

Dr, D.

My problems is nobody likes me, they call me "Sad Karl" I guess I`m a looser, my last girlfriend was when I was 14 (I`m 19 now) I`m ugly, smelly and have a real small yogart spitting snake.

Doggie says:

Dear Sad,

You can't spell either.


Alexei also has problems with relationships:

I love a girl called Georgie. She is my x-girlfriend but now she is my best friend and I still have the hots for her. Any ideas, beyond casting a spell on her?

Doggie advises:

Go up to her and sing the following song (in G):-


Hey there Georgie girl,
I have an ex girlfriend just like you.
She has got a man's name too,
but I still luv yooooooo!




Hey there Georgie Girl,
I won't smack you up like a cheap young whore,
I will only luv you more
than I luv Chris Searle,
Come on Georgie Girl


(Repeat chorus until smacked)

Nicky asks:

Are there any telltale signs of early pregnancy apart from the obvious?

Doggie has this to say:

Oooh, I am lucky enough to have seen this problem many times before and I have to say with all certainty that it has something to do with babies. They come out at night and then crawl back in like something out of a David Lynch film, but not before they raid the fridge for biscuits and ice cream. So if you wake up in the morning and find melted ice cream, biscuits or vomit in your bed, then you are suffering from early pregnancy.

Smitty is not a number he's a free yam:

I have the entire Prisoner series on DVD. What are your thoughts on him liking the black cat in the episodes where he builds a boat, and goes on trial????

Doggie's thoughts on the subject...

I think he should be spayed. And that bloody Rumpole geezer with him.

Andy's personal hygiene problems need little explanation:

Teeth and hair.

After much deliberation Doggie replies:

Dentistry and barberism.

Pam has parent trouble:

I love a guy, and he loves me too. We went out for 8 months, and then we broke up. We want to get back together now, more than ever. The only problem is my parents HATE him. They told me if I go out with him again, they'll ground me and never let me leave the house. They won't let him call, and I can't even e-mail him. It's crazy! We need each other so much. What do I do?

Doggie answers:

You whine.

"Unhappy" has a very personal problem:

Please help....

I am engaged to my partner and have been living with him for a year. I really love him, and I know that that is not the issue, but I have been unbearable to live with for the past 6 months, and my mood swings are getting worse. I get moody for nothing and shout at him, and it sometimes can take hours for me to snap out of it. I had an IUD fitted about 6 months ago, so I don't know if that's the problem. I used to be so happy and bubbly all the time and I want to go back to being me.

Please help me......

Doggie's advice is:

I have seen this problem many many times before, and I have to say that I think I'd be miserable too if I had a spring stuck up my box. One press in the wrong place and BoInG! There goes the dinner plates across the room. Maybe you need to unwind...

Bubbles has relationship problems as well as a stupid name:

I really like this guy. We were together last year but I don't know if he likes me. We were both drunk at the time. Should I ask him out? How do I know if he likes me?

Doggie knows a lot about this subject:

Whenever I meet someone and I don't know if she likes me, I usually smell her bottom. I like smelling bottoms. Somehow it makes the day all nice. After I have smelled a bottom or two, people liking me is the least of my worries.

Bottom Haiku-

Ode to a bottom
little Doggie has a smell.
Now he's full of poo>

Pete has a phobia:

I have a rational fear of carpets

Doggie says:

I have seen this problem many times before, and must say I am almost totally sympathetic. I tend to support the notion that by gradually introducing yourself to fabric floor-coverings in a strictly controlled environment you can overcome this weird fear of yours. You can start off by closing your eyes and getting someone to wave a doormat towards you without telling you he's doing it. Before long you can build up and up until finally you are shagging the shagpile without a care in the world.

Jack is an internet junkie:

I have recently developed an obsession for an internet soap performed exclusively by small plastic dolls. I'm losing control. I'm starting to believe it's!

Doggie puts things in perspective:

You think THAT's bad. I failed the audition. And I'm starting to believe I'm real, too.

Our final problem from Lee is about that old chestnut: relationships...

I have this problem when I'm having sex it hurts when he's inside me and I'm not having an orgasm the last few time I have had sex could you please tell me what is wrong ?

This came out of Doggie's brain:

I have to say that as a civil engineer I have seen this problem far too many times before. A squirt of WD40 should do the trick. Failing that, just pretend you are enjoying it. He won't know the difference.


© Lunchtime