Casebook One

Pingu Has a personal hygiene problem:

My Igloo gets very stuffy in the summer and I find my wingpits smell of fish, could I alter the construction of my home to help this problem ?

Doggie has the answer:

Well, you may be happy to know that I have seen this problem many times before, and short of taking the roof off, you are always going to find that you smell of fish (because you are a penguin, and all penguins smell of fish, so mister MacGoohan says and I always believe him because he earns more than I do).

If you want to stop smelling of fish, then there are some things you could try doing:- You could try not being a penguin anymore, or failing that, bathe in onions. Or garlic. Or Wrigley's spearmint gum. Or creosote. Or amyl nitrate.

"Esther related illnesses" are a major scourge of the modern world as "Stephikins" found out.

Dear Doctor Doggie,

I have an overwhelming obsession with talented TV presenter Esther Rantzen. I have followed her career and now it is taking over my life. I am currently trying to launch a set of Esther Teeth onto the novelty market, but no one will take me seriously. Why arn't there any photos of Esther? How about her presenting her chat show or a clip of her being arrested over the bat soup scandal? I'm desperately trying to get in touch with other fans of the 'That's Life' programme and hope that your magazine will cover other talented personalities from the Esther team, notably Chris Serle, Keiren Prenderville, Paul Heiny,Grant Baynham, Adrian Mills and Gavin Campbell. What does Dr. Doggie advise me to do to get over this Esther phase?


Ullo, Stephikins. I myself am a great supporter of the Amnesty International "Free Esther campaign" (followed by the "put Esther away again please" campaign a few days later). To help with this problem I have contacted the great dead professor Dr. Magnus Pyke, who just whacked me across the room by mistake, so I don't see why I should tell you what he said. It should be said that esters usually only react with reductants. So I should give her one if I were you.

Oooh, you don't think I was being rood, doo yoo? Oh, I can be such a feisty, ikkle, cute doggie sometimes.

Specially when I've just being twatted by Magnus Pyke.

Our next sufferer has a Civil Engineering problem that's close to my stuffing.

Ullo Doggie, I am your evil twin und oi um also called Doggie. My problem is that oi wunt to take over the world and don't have a PhD in civil engineering, which is a little problm... prolbumustic.... bad. Will you help me?

Duggie (evil twin)


Whenever I want to take over the world I usually start by capturing as many world leaders' pets as possible, for ransom. A large nuclear arsenal also helps.

Our final problem in this batch, is from someone calling himself "Rudolph", Rudolph writes:

Ullo Doggie,

I have recently noticed a large red growth on my nose pleeeeze HELPP!!!!!


Oi'm sorry to hear about your terrible deformity. Unfortunately "bloaty nose" (as we call it) is incurable. Application of a large paper bag to the head is advised. Take two Asprin and call me in the morning.


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